Love

he said my hands glowed with a passion to tell a story [["what do you have to say?"]]

its not because i want to. i have to. in this dark room, he sees that my hands are glowing from the interrogation room's light. it looms overhead. i know there are many sets of eyes watching me from a glass window. i can not hear it but they are judging me. i hear it as it echoes in the silence of my refusal. [["what have you done?]]

i wish i knew why she made it such a big deal. mom told me that it was all a fantasy. she said many many naughty things that sometimes sting a little if i think too much about it. she says i am a byproduct of this society. she believes it can be cured if i was isolated here. what does she know about this world i was led into? [["mom?"->"mother?"]] [["world?"]]

beautiful. a human that embodies the soul of an unwavering ox. beaten but filled with the passion to stay alive. i see her scars that sometimes open up and release a little bit of blood when she works too hard. she tells me it stopped hurting since decades after the war. she is so old now. [["war?"->war]] [["what kind of cure are you talking about?"->"what does she want to cure?"]]

its dangerous here. scary even. there are many times i do not feel safe at all. i have been beaten, mugged, even stalked here. there are gateways out of it. perhaps a better version of this world but i guess i stay here because i treasure a sort of sad freedom that i found in this place. was it by choice that i was here? no. mom and dad threw me down here. oh, how i remembered her howls. mom never liked the decision i made. well, it was not even a decision actually. but the decision to tell her who i was. was it a mistake? i hate telling stories about myself. i have tried to tell it so many times in many different forms but it never changed the directory of my life. i feel like with every new edits to my story i would find a string of history that is much different from the past. its usually a good small change. but even then, it makes me sad sometimes to see how long it took to get to that single strand of string. [[nobody->part 2]]

there is nothing to it. people like us have no control over these sort of things. the kind of people who do have control are those who would never hear about the stories of people like us. maybe they would care if we rose up in wealth and status. what sort of spectacle must i erect to be seen? heard? even then, the general morality of things makes every one, not just them, not want to hear about people like me. no one wants to care anymore. not even i. [[seen?]] [[heard?]]

i am happy. in this happiness shines a glamor that comes with a suit, a tie, and a happy happy smile. i have a wife and perhaps some kids. big big house. lovingly, we are creating a family they can be proud of. my hand around //her// waist. they are proud. mom and dad are proud. mom can finally grab hold of dads arm and rest on it. this is what she made me for. [[but the reality->"world?"]]

"and the award goes to that fella in the corner over there! nominated as an exceptional human being, chosen by our committee of twelve, the young man represents the best of the best of our society! the cream of the crop!" "oh what a wonderful treat to have him exist in this world! but jim, what exactly did this boy do?" noises of cards shuffling can be heard from Jim's mic. he seems to be trying his hardest to find the reason. "ummmm, that is a good question there molly haha. umm let me put the show into intermission for awhile and consult with the committee. last i have heard, the kid apparently cured cancer! or maybe he is some sorta politician or renown artist? i do not really know." "who are you kid?" [[who am i?->"world?"]]

she looked at me once when i was a kid. it was not the good kind of look. she was not happy with her life. the marriage was too soon i think. i mean, i assumed so because when i saw the look of her face, after she called my brother and i two demons of her life, she was an ox who had lost all freedoms from the outdoors. she lost all freedom of choice and was left to care for these miserable children. the institutions she puts her faith in now. they are the only thing that make her life feel valuable. life is beautiful all of a sudden. and then she looks at me. i am beautiful in her eyes until she learns of the world i grew up in. [["world?"]]

i am nobody. that is how it should be. for if i become a somebody, i will receive more hatred for being seen publicly alive. the name and face i wear. the body i carry. the voice i am able to vocalize. they are going to hate me. more than what i already get. but it never seemed to bother me. at least after a couple of months it becomes to be the new normal. [[silent children]] [[frozen pray mantis]]

in new jersey, i remember seeing a pray mantis. it was the first time i saw one. it was at night. i wanted to see the snow from the balcony of our apartment and when i opened the door. i saw a frozen pray mantis. it was dead. i just wished i knew why it was there. we were on the highest floor: how could this insect fly up here during a blizard? how queer. i sometimes refer to this moment of my life a lot. this five minute segment of my child-self staring at this spectacle die in front of me. i could not stay and keep watch. it was snowing and my feet felt like it was freezing up from the inside. i appreciated the home i had. it was before being homelessness. the biggest pleasure in this life i know is being sent out in the cold for a very long time only to return back to find warmth and solace. you treasure things after you lose them and feel the loss drain from the veins under the skin. [[pigeons]]

it is quiet time. we must eat, sleep, and do homework as the caretaker says. mom and dad were too busy with work. i was left with in baby-sitters' house. there were many of them. i did not speak much. [[new york city->angela]] [[vermont->the sisters]] [[hayward]]

i do not think she remembers me but i will always remember her. she was not an inspirational women. now that i am older i think she made her home a space to baby sit many kids for other people because she needed the money. but everyone seemed to trust and adore her. she was inspirational to me. i always loved children because of her sacrifice. having children is a sacrifice, not a joy. at least from what i have seen and heard anyways. she served the kids noodles. sometimes, if it is too hot, she would drop two large ice cubes into our little plastic bowls. this was only if there were kids in the evening. mom and dad would not be done with work until late at night. [[frozen pray mantis]]

the faintest memory i have of them was when they put on the bee movie for my brother and i and fed us spicy ramen. these nuns were classy. the church was where my mom would leave us sometimes. she trust it greatly for many things. the sisters were a lovely bunch but i could never get accustomed to the smell of their rooms. it felt like priests were meant to die in that space. did you know my mother wants me to be a priest? [[frozen pray mantis]]

co tam was a warm memory. i remember loving every moment i spent in her home. i do not recall how long mom and dad left me there with her. i was three you know. i think they left me with her for almost two years. aunty would usually make us a meal and let us watch television. she did not speak too much english. she would usually call some other vietnamese relative sometimes to pass the time. sometimes it was about cooking. sometimes i did not even know what she was saying. but she smiled. ya know? the sorta sight i wish i could see everyday. [[frozen pray mantis]]

if i had to choose which bird i like the most, i would say the pigeon. swans are graceful. eagles are magestic. and pigeons. what are they? those red googly-eyed things. blank expressions. they are beautiful to me. did you know that even when a cold storm comes their way, pigeons do not migrate to a warmer environment? even if they left to a distant world, they still manage to come back to the place they call home. is that not romantic? not in the lovey-dovey kinda way. but in the Romantic, with a capital R, kinda way. [[home]]

home to me is my inner self. well, now it has become that. no matter what happened outside of my life, i will always have my mind and soul. the men i let claim my body. sometimes i do not have to think too much about it. it feels good but after it feels bad i retreat into a warmer comfier place in my mind that helps me believe that everything is okay. i just wish to find love. or at least have the chance to understand it. [[vodka]]

there was this one guy. i really really liked him. after awhile i realized he wanted multiple partners. i can sorta do a poly. given many many many conditions that were not going to be met by that one guy. it was sorta romantic. after three short relationships, i thought this would be a nice run. he came to take me out to a bar in the midnight rain. his hair slapped onto his forhead, all disheveled from the weight of the rain. all he can say is sorry that his good looks for me were ruined by the rain. all i can say was that he looked perfect. actually, he looked like a fucking cute prince. i hate that the short memories of him re-emerge when i brush my teeth, fold my clothes, and prepare for school. did you know i really liked him? [[like, i really really liked him]]

it was sorta tragic. nineteen years of life packed with centuries of discrimination and hate for people like me. how unfair. sometimes i want to indulge in self pity and tell the world of things i thought made it unfair. it is actually very visible ya know. i hate that i am telling you this. because you will know, but the people who i wished knew never gave me the chance to just tell them everything. to understand and maybe look at me with another kind of look that is not indifferent or just staring at my external features. i am sorry i can not do a monogamous relationship. that was his last words to me. not spoken, no no no. it was through a text message. the last time i saw him was at the party he was hosting for. the party where i saw him cuddling next to another guy. the party where he was about to kiss that guy before i shied my eyes away from that scene to grab his vodka bottle and run away. i drank under some stairwells. for someone who offered to buy me everything i wanted, the guy was not able to buy himself a more expensive bottle of vodka. kirkland. i am not complaining though. having cheap things for enjoyment is something we have in common i guess. [[he did not know what love was->replacements]]

he told me that he did not know what love was. yeah, i clearly saw he did not know. he told me that whatever he was feeling for me was special. everything is special if it is new. like a new toy train you get as a present on christmas or maybe the first paycheck you earn from a minimum wage paying job. but after awhile it gets old. and then you want more than just a toy train or minimum wage paying job. people are replaceable. we serve as a function to others rather than be seen as a piece of a puzzle that has its own agency. its own life and stuff. he has not spoken to me in forever. i guess he caught on that he can find more salient experiences from other people. i do not hate on people who want multiple partners. so long as they take the time to learn who these people are then, yeah, it should work. it applies to any relationship to be honest. i, however, am grounded by my own definition of love. i have refined it from years of waves crashing and eroding my rocky heart. it is hard to run away from the past. [[body without the mind]] [[mind without the body]]

there are many times when someone calls me up to use me for their own pleasure. nothing new. the only thing that makes this torture worth while is that i am not as replaceable as i am with other people. they make me feel valuable as they touch my body like glass. they turn their heads to recognize the price of my body and kiss my calves and thighs and go into their caged time with me. it hurts. but i have gotten used to it as i drown out the noise and watch television in my head. during sex there are many things i think about. sometimes i drift onto a homework problem i have not solved yet. those darn things. sometimes i wonder what some people are doing. what is a$$$$$ is doing after all those years. it has really just been two years to be honest. or maybe, i think about a$$$$$ and her cute cat and dog. there are many things to think about when something meaningless happens. [[mind without the body]] [[barney is a sex therapist]]

there are nights when i drift into thought of things i wished to see happen. i would like to get physically stronger. i would like to become someone who is proactive. someone people can look up to ya know? sometimes i smile and marvel at the images of the thoughts i made of me. i can see myself as some badass or a mr.do-it-all kind of person. i think about what others would have thought of me. the people from my old high school. my parents. the people who i once liked liked. i would dream and then feel my self-awareness drift to my body and i find myself in another person's bed. what i must dig into to find the love i dreamt of. the one, i feel, have yet to deserve. [[body without the mind]] [[barney is a sex therapist]]

did you know i believed in friendship? like, the one that was taught in the barney shows. the purple dinosaur? it was pure. i truly believed that if you gave it your all, the people around you would love you the same. and did you know the actor for barney, david joyner, is a sex therapist now? i do not find it odd now that i am the way i am. after years of giving i realized why he would be the way he is. how many people i tried to help. i did not impose it, of course not. but i was taken for granted i think. there are a lot of people who told me i was their friend but they did not know who i really was. they just loved the parts of me they could use. [[...]]

i considered many people my family. some kids would adopt me as their child and tell me that they would protect me. i loved this so much. my parents do not tell me this. for people of our background, we live to survive in this world. they do not have the time or energy for a more cutesy kind of love. my teachers would replace my parents sometimes. i would look up to them and absolutely adore them. but now they are gone. i mean, if i showed up to them again they would re-ignite a warm smile that was made just for me when i fell under their wing. sometimes its real. sometimes they have to feign it so that i would come back to tell other kids from my old school that it is possible to go the distance as i have. and i did go many distances. people sometimes pay for me to come back. [[..]]

all pure things can be turned inside out and lose their shine with just a little bit of tarnish. is it corruption? or maybe it was the natural order of things. i think about what my kid self would think of me. i drink a little too much. i let men, sometimes really old ones, have a little company. i have been desperately alone. mom and dad cut me off easily because, well, i am the way i am. i swear to god, i did nothing before all this. but they slandered me. call me names i started to grow into in my actions. i wore them like warm knitted sweaters. cozy but itchy. i do not know what actions i have in this world and sometimes i can not do nothing but try to remember about my lucky three stars or the frozen pray mantis. [[frozen pray mantis]] [[lucky stars]]

there was a time where i did not have to hide in a mental den. i had a safe place to run to. it was usually at midnight or a late time. mom and dad are asleep. i would slip out and find a park to find solace in. its cold but thats okay. i can sleep in the tubes of those slides and look up at the stars. even today i still see them. i always see these three bright stars that seemed to be arranged in a perfect line. if i believe in gravity then i can believe in destiny. we are all naturally drawn towards a fate we cannot comprehend. all we do know is that we are moving somewhere. or perhaps moving towards an end. people say that we always move forward but i think we move backwards to the past when we slip on accident. [[the past]]

i did not know what was happening. i was a kid. he led me into a room. a much older guy. it was the first time i experienced pain there. it hurt but i didnt know what was happening. it did not hurt until i began to be more aware of myself. i was probably nine when i was... sometimes i wake up crying that i am the way i am was because of him. that my attraction towards men is like this because of him. because being used is all i was born to be. i have to hush myself sometimes. i know its not the fate i will have but when i reflect on the people, who do not even know me, that i am working for. i lose faith. little by little, it seems that i can not shake the feeling that we live to die for others. it is not how things are. but that is what i got to say in public to not seem like a bad guy. i wish i could tell mom and dad how i felt. but it is honestly too late. nor would they believe me anymore. [[dad]]

i think i get my blaming habits from dad. he used to drink way too much. he would call out this and that for making him feel the way he was. he yelled at people and would talk about how he never needed nobody in his life to make him feel like he was a great man. he always needs to show people that he was a great man in some capacity. he is a better man now but sometimes i find it hard to find sympathy for him when he aches in his aging years. the times he made me scared. the way he transforms into something else. it hurts. there are parts of me that still feel the trauma of the things he did. there is nothing more to this man. he is someone that makes me feel like i have to love the world for all the hate he gives. he is someone i can never please. someone i cannot love entirely. and because of him, i do not think i can love anything entirely. [[family]]

there little to say about family. i am never sure what family is. i was told it was something you must build on your own. i think i have my family right now. i did not have to build this one though. they came to me because they saw me and made me feel loved especially when i never asked for it. we are all suffering through same thing. i know this is temporary. when they must move out of this house, i hope they can still be my family. this place is terrible but i love it. i never felt loved as i do now. i am sad but to be loved does not have to make you happy. [[the title of this twine]]

there is nothing to it. love is the thing that stops you from taking a handful of ibuprofen to find a quick end. i think love is something you must establish with yourself to keep your hands and legs working. even when they are frail or exhausted. i still do not know what love is. all i know is self-love. [[memories->changes]]

memories do not hurt as much as they used to. narrating the things that happened now, i see that every little piece was a different version of me. i do not see my younger self in me anymore. as much as i want to hold onto the past, the bridge is already broken and i cannot go back. only the bad things can stay. the good things sift through my hands like a pile of sand. [[love me]]

all that is left of love is to live [[live]]

to live and find a sustenance until [[i find love]]

mom was right [[about survival]]

people like us cannot escape this reality [[but we can find refuge]]

from inside the skin [[for under the pain and torment that flows in the streams of our blood->for under the pain and torment of our blood]]

we find love [[and we find...]]

the inevitable truth of the end. i do not need justification to be alive but. sometimes i seflishly wished i could received affirmation from the people who hurt me the most. mom and dad. my old high school peers who did not want to understand me nor remember me. my teachers who only have seen me cry but never knew why. i am sorry. i am done, now. [["thank you for your time"]]

Thank you.